T-Mobile Sidekick 3 Launch Party - Hollywood Palladium (Hollywood, CA) - Tuesday, June 20, 2006

by Suzanne Baran
22 June 2006

Hollywood is essentially high school for celebrities. Last night was some type of carnival-themed prom. The launch party for the new T-Mobile Sidekick 3 at the Hollywood Palladium was a cornucopia of music, celebrities, candy, and carnival fare. I felt like I was a character in an episode of HBO’s Entourage.

Prior to gaining entry to the event, all ‘eager’ attendees stood in one line, before getting shifted to another. I cavalierly remarked to no one, “This is as screwed up as the airport, only there’s no baggage claim!”

My friend Polly, a photo editor at the same company at which I work, said in frustration, ”[You and I] have to get to these things early, it’s too late, harder to get in.” We had left a Buddhist discussion meeting less than an hour ago, and I retorted, “We just experienced spiritual enlightenment. This is silly. Who cares?” She brightened, and said, “Yeah, I don’t care if we get in; you’ve been to one of these, you have been to them all.”

Just then, we watched NICOLE RICHIE saunter by with what seemed to be a gay posse. Girls adorned in those JESSICA SIMPSON knock-off patent-leather cork-heeled shoes, paired with shorts and no creativity, walked hand in hand with button-down-shirted boys with jeans.

We had to walk on a pseudo-red carpet amidst a wolf-pack of paparazzi to get to the entrance. I galloped faster than I ever have in my life. So fast, in fact, that Polly called out looking for me—I was way ahead of her. Some camera men looked my way, and I said, “I am no one important, carry on!” ‘NSYNC-er JC CHASEZ was on the carpet loving all the false attention. I stifled a chuckle as “’NStink” songs flooded my mind.

A festival of sorts greeted us in the packed club. Girls in short shorts and striped sweat socks danced in fake gated playgrounds; some chick sat on a swing over the bar with angel wings on her back; the room was decked out with cotton candy machines, frog flipping games, and a milk can toss; an animal-balloon maker fiddled with his latex tools, girls handed out mini cupcakes, and a crowd gathered around a stage that was set for SHE WANTS REVENGE and THE FUTUREHEADS. DJ A.M. was spinning most of the time; he’s actually worth hearing.

At the bar, I was standing behind this girl with incredibly unique earrings and shoes. I turned to my friend, Polly and said, “That is PARIS HILTON.” We didn’t notice her at first blush because her shoes were a real collector’s item – vintage; shoes are crack for girls!—we became transfixed. I approached her and said, “I think we have a common friend, ‘So-and-so’” (I felt silly right after I said it). She said, “Yes.” I said, “I am sure he has mentioned a Suzanne.” She said, “Yes.”

Her annoying skinny-ass skank posse grabbed her attention. Later, I spied her standing on top of a couch, dancing solo, with a flock of ladies around her; she didn’t focus on them, but she was seemingly amused.

The acoustics were utterly atrocious when SHE WANTS REVENGE took the stage. I could not hear the vocals, and the bass was turned up too high. SHANE WEST crossed my path after the band exited the stage. I sparked a fatty and watched people scramble to detect the scent’s origin. One guy, outraged that he could not spot me, actually cursed to his friend about the odor. Some gaggle of girls in my peripheral vision exclaimed, “I want some!” But the Baraness just sat back, amused… what else was there to do—the room was so full of vapid people.

Polly approached MEKHI PHIFER at another adjacent to the VIP lounge. We have a common friend, who is the costume designer for a film (A Talent For Trouble, directed by MARVIS JOHNSON, currently in production and due for release in 2007) in which Phifer has a starring role. He was pretty down-to-earth.

Then there were the requisite sports celebs; MIKE TYSON was there with a tattoo on his mug, quite scary in fact. Very menacing face. Some girl gave him her number; Polly wanted to warn her to stay away. SERENA WILLIAMS walked right by us, and apparently many other celebrities were there but I did not see them. I think it was enough for me. We left at the ripe hour of midnight, before THE FUTUREHEADS took the stage.

Due to my working in the entertainment publishing business, I frequently get invited to premiere parties, technology launch events, and media screenings. Once you go to one of these events, they tend to lose their status appeal—such and such celebrity becomes a real person at a party and the mystique is gone. The disappointing notion that Hollywood celebrates the wrong people becomes glaringly apparent when you are standing in front of them. The ones with true talent and substance never seem to summon enough attention from earnest fans. People like Nicole Richie swallow up too much of the spotlight—she’s just the adopted kid of a musician, but who remembers that? Where is the payoff for the true celebrities who contribute meaningful art to society? As your onsite correspondent, I can certainly tell you that it’s not at these plastic parties.

Filed under events parties